loveedition | mailbox

yeah

ii do.

iif ii had been more careful that wouldn't have happened.

Edited 2016-08-31 04:37 (UTC)

No you don't.

In the first place... I should have been more insistent on helping you find Kaname-san's house again. Or, I should have asked Aisaka-san if you could have stayed here. You shouldn't have been left alone.

ii wa2 bad luck. you would have ju2t gotten hurt even more.

I didn't get hurt. That's the problem. I didn't give myself the chance to get hurt, and because of that, I didn't get the chance to keep anyone I cared about safe. All I did was hide while god knows what happened to you and I can't forgive myself for that.

NO! you were riight two 2tay iin2iide! ii left two try and help MK and that'2 how 2he got me!!

But you still shouldn't have died, Sollux. Aisaka-san shouldn't have died.

I didn't do anything to help anyone. I'm lower than an idle worm.

[ At least, that's what that thing said. ]

who 2ay2 ii 2houldn't have diied? we don't get two deciide tho2e thiing2. all we can do ii2 try two make thiing2 2uck a liitle le22 iin between all the 2hiit.

you're no worm RK. you're my friiend and ii'm glad you 2tayed 2afe.

I don't think Sakura-san or that Bonnie girl should be able to decide that either. No one should. There's just so much more I could have done, and if I would have just left for a second, I could have done it. It's better that than taking credit for what anyone else is doing.

ii never 2aiid 2he killed me.

But she did something terrible to you, didn't she? She had to have hurt you really bad. And all I did was sit here and let her and whoever killed Aisaka-san and let Sakura-san get away with everything. I didn't want to kill anyone, but I should have done at least ONE thing! I shouldn't have had 0 points in the end!

Edited 2016-08-31 05:17 (UTC)

what could you have done? nothiing you diid would have changed anythiing except then you gettiing hurt would have been our fault! do you thiink that'2 what ii want?! there'2 a rea2on ii liike people liike you and MK and iit ii2n't becau2e of your love of vengeance.

Edited 2016-08-31 05:26 (UTC)

I don't love vengeance, and I don't want to hurt anyone because of anything anyone did to anyone else! But if someone wants to hurt my friends, then I'd much rather they get to me instead! Anything I did would've been of my own accord, and I would have been able to help everyone out somehow!

what would you have done?

how would aii2aka have felt iif you'd left her alone?

[ There's a long pause between responses.

Ryoko's mind picked at the text, trying to imagine the scenario. The one where she was the one who died first and Taiga was left on her own to figure things out. Would she go after who killed her? That's what she figured... she, herself, wanted to protect Ryoko, and Ryoko was being overprotective of her in the first place.

If Ryoko had died... Taiga probably would have done something rash. She probably would have gotten hurt too. Then, it would have been her fault for not being there to stop her. For not telling Taiga that it was okay. But more... would Taiga even forgive her for doing that on her behalf? She already got irritated when she rushed in to save her without asking, but getting killed for it was another thing.

She felt defeated. On all sides. ]

I don't know what to do anymore.

welcome two nyoii-cho.

there2 no wiiniing iin ciircum2tance2 liike the2e. you can eiither do what would make you feel better or do what make2 other people feel better. ii don't thiink you're a bad per2on for doiing the 2econd.

Yeah.

I just want everyone to stop being at each other's throats. The game's been over for a few days now and it still feels like I shouldn't go outside.

ii don't feel liike ii can eiither. ii triied a biit ago but ii came back iin agaiin.

Edited 2016-08-31 15:35 (UTC)

[ Another pause. ]

Can I come over?

yeah.

I'll be over in a second.

[ Wherever "over" is. She thinks she's gotten a good idea of the layout of the town, but regardless, it's not long before she finds Sollux's house. And knock knocks at the door. ]

It's a long second before he opens the door. He know's it's just Ryoko coming over like she said, but a part of him still hesitates before he pushes that remnant of fear aside. He opens the door without a word, stepping over to let her inside. The interior may look a little strange to her, just another one of those small reminders that Sollux is in fact an alien.

Ah.

As Ryoko stepped through the door, she was immediately taken aback by how... different it was from the rest of the houses she had been in before. It was a little busy and messy, but mostly seeing the wires and... uh. Whatever the hell that thing is over there on the other wall, it's a good reminder.

"What an... interesting room."

Is it a room? Is this a living room or a sitting room or...

He shrugs, but he's hardly paying attention to her words. He's not even looking at her. It's quiet. The only background noise is the humming of his computer fans.

"It's not real." It was all fake anyway. His little incident with Bonnie had proved that. He could just wish it all away and live in a empty void if he wanted. He basically already did. He scratches his arm, not really sure what he should say.

"So... What's up?

Of course it wasn't real. Her room, the large apartment with the nice kitchen, it wasn't real at all. For all she knew, it was just an empty closet when she wasn't around.

"But it's what you want your room to be, isn't it?"

That's how it generally worked. Ryoko isn't sure where to go, so she just awkwardly stands in the middle of the room, sighing.

"I just wanted to check in on you. Just to make sure you're... you're really okay."

He shrugs again, not sure how to answer. Admittedly he did like his block. It'd be kind of weird if he didn't since he'd put all the shit inside of it himself back home. He liked the red and blue curtains. His split recuperacoon was pretty neat. His computer was totally awesome. Objectively, he knew that's how he'd felt about it before, but now the feelings were distant. The computer he'd saved all his monthly credits for, the apiary networks he'd carefully maintained since he was four, those things were gone. The computer and mainframe that stood in this room were fake. Just like the other trolls that sometimes appeared here.

"I guess."

As Ryoko answers his question he's once again unsure of how to respond. He wasn't okay, not really, but it wasn't like his feelings were important. She wasn't his moirail, just a friend. Although, Chiaki had been a friend and he wouldn't have hesitated to confide in her. Ryoko wasn't like Chiaki though. Chiaki would never think someone was weak. His shoulders sag. He was weak, wasn't he? He'd let himself be killed and captured, and he'd hurt Madoka and the others by turning into a stupid nightmare. He was still embarrassed and ashamed to think of it.

He'd suffered, but he was still alive. Surviving should have been enough. He should be fine, but he's not. Once again his fucking mutant brain was screwing him over making him feel things he shouldn't. He should be happy and he's not. Now he was letting Ryoko see him at his weakest. She could attack him, or worse. He tries to push the fearful thought aside, but he can't. His fears running on repeat in the back of his mind constantly whenever he was around anyone, whenever he was outside. It was making it impossible to do anything. God, he was the worst. He was so pathetic. He abandons his trip to the kitchen and drops onto a couch shaped piece of furniture instead. He just wants his fucking brain to turn off and it won't. The silence lingers.

"...It's kind of weird, How we don't get scars."

He still isn't looking at her.

"I'd have a lot by now, if we did."

Without thinking his hand goes up to his throat, feeling smooth unblemished grey skin. How many scars would Ryoko have if they kept them?

Edited 2016-09-01 18:08 (UTC)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject