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[ Another pause. ]

Can I come over?

yeah.

I'll be over in a second.

[ Wherever "over" is. She thinks she's gotten a good idea of the layout of the town, but regardless, it's not long before she finds Sollux's house. And knock knocks at the door. ]

It's a long second before he opens the door. He know's it's just Ryoko coming over like she said, but a part of him still hesitates before he pushes that remnant of fear aside. He opens the door without a word, stepping over to let her inside. The interior may look a little strange to her, just another one of those small reminders that Sollux is in fact an alien.

Ah.

As Ryoko stepped through the door, she was immediately taken aback by how... different it was from the rest of the houses she had been in before. It was a little busy and messy, but mostly seeing the wires and... uh. Whatever the hell that thing is over there on the other wall, it's a good reminder.

"What an... interesting room."

Is it a room? Is this a living room or a sitting room or...

He shrugs, but he's hardly paying attention to her words. He's not even looking at her. It's quiet. The only background noise is the humming of his computer fans.

"It's not real." It was all fake anyway. His little incident with Bonnie had proved that. He could just wish it all away and live in a empty void if he wanted. He basically already did. He scratches his arm, not really sure what he should say.

"So... What's up?

Of course it wasn't real. Her room, the large apartment with the nice kitchen, it wasn't real at all. For all she knew, it was just an empty closet when she wasn't around.

"But it's what you want your room to be, isn't it?"

That's how it generally worked. Ryoko isn't sure where to go, so she just awkwardly stands in the middle of the room, sighing.

"I just wanted to check in on you. Just to make sure you're... you're really okay."

He shrugs again, not sure how to answer. Admittedly he did like his block. It'd be kind of weird if he didn't since he'd put all the shit inside of it himself back home. He liked the red and blue curtains. His split recuperacoon was pretty neat. His computer was totally awesome. Objectively, he knew that's how he'd felt about it before, but now the feelings were distant. The computer he'd saved all his monthly credits for, the apiary networks he'd carefully maintained since he was four, those things were gone. The computer and mainframe that stood in this room were fake. Just like the other trolls that sometimes appeared here.

"I guess."

As Ryoko answers his question he's once again unsure of how to respond. He wasn't okay, not really, but it wasn't like his feelings were important. She wasn't his moirail, just a friend. Although, Chiaki had been a friend and he wouldn't have hesitated to confide in her. Ryoko wasn't like Chiaki though. Chiaki would never think someone was weak. His shoulders sag. He was weak, wasn't he? He'd let himself be killed and captured, and he'd hurt Madoka and the others by turning into a stupid nightmare. He was still embarrassed and ashamed to think of it.

He'd suffered, but he was still alive. Surviving should have been enough. He should be fine, but he's not. Once again his fucking mutant brain was screwing him over making him feel things he shouldn't. He should be happy and he's not. Now he was letting Ryoko see him at his weakest. She could attack him, or worse. He tries to push the fearful thought aside, but he can't. His fears running on repeat in the back of his mind constantly whenever he was around anyone, whenever he was outside. It was making it impossible to do anything. God, he was the worst. He was so pathetic. He abandons his trip to the kitchen and drops onto a couch shaped piece of furniture instead. He just wants his fucking brain to turn off and it won't. The silence lingers.

"...It's kind of weird, How we don't get scars."

He still isn't looking at her.

"I'd have a lot by now, if we did."

Without thinking his hand goes up to his throat, feeling smooth unblemished grey skin. How many scars would Ryoko have if they kept them?

Edited 2016-09-01 18:08 (UTC)

As fake as the room was, she always thought they were at least some kind of a source of comfort. It was hard for Ryoko to perceive what she was looking at as not real, especially when it felt exactly as she remembered it. As if someone took her home, or occasionally, her friend's home and brought it to Nyoi-cho. It was fine like that.

But, he was right. This wasn't really his house, and the one she slept in wasn't hers. Who knew what happened to it while she slept? Did the room disappear along with everything else? Did her dream come to life? She didn't think to ask, nor was she really certain she wanted to ask about it.

Sollux's noncommittal tone was upsetting enough, Ryoko idly holding onto her own wrist and glancing away from him, as if she didn't really belong there asking that question. Were they friends? Before this month, they spent most of their time bickering, Ryoko giving lectures and Sollux teasing her about ridiculous comments she's made. In her heart, she didn't dislike anyone here and wanted to make sure everyone was okay in the end, so that hopefully, nothing bad like that Nightmare happens.

But she still stood by and did nothing. Let him die, let Kakyoin die, let Taiga die. The idea churns in her head, that despite everything she said, Sollux still probably would be worried and apprehensive. The same fear she saw in Taiga's eyes when she told her--

Idly, when he speaks about scars, her hand raises up to the middle of her arm. How many scars did she create? On Asriel, on Taiga, on Kyouko... if she was left alone and the town manipulated her, would she attack Sollux?

"I'd only have one."

She says meekly, rubbing at her arm.

"But, it still feels like it's there. Even if I don't see it... I still feel it from time to time."

"...Would you tell me about it?" he asks, voice quiet as he stares at the door. If she could tell him then, he could be honest with her too. Right?

Ryoko turns quiet, staring a bit at the... whatever the hell that thing is, seriously, it's oozing and weird.

She'd definitely have to tell him everything. But... starting with her arm.

"When we were fighting that moon... I got a horrible, terrible headache. I didn't know what it was, and I couldn't figure it out at all. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a grotesque monster approaching, and I panicked. I thought it was a part of the Nightmare... so I tried to shoo it away, and I wound up cutting its leg. Another came by, grabbed onto me, and I cut its arm.

They... they were magi. I didn't see it at the time, but when I left to clear my head for a while, I came back and saw one with a cut leg and... and, Aisaka-san with a cut arm. Even though I thought I was helping and keeping myself safe... I wound up hurting my best friend. So..."

Ryoko outstretched an arm-- the same one she presented to Taiga, that night.

"I let her hit me back. She didn't hold back at all... she shouldn't have."

"Dude." Sollux says, in shock for a moment as the information sinks in. He knew about the Doll's nightmare, if that's even what it was, but he never knew Ryoko had done that, or that she'd let herself be injured.

"...That's fucked up." The really fucked up part was that Aisaka hadn't held back. Ryoko's actions were a mistake, Taiga's had been purposeful. He pulls his knees to his chest, sitting with his feet resting on the couch. He gestures to the spot beside him with a nod of his head.

"Come on, sit down." Don't let her too close, don't let your guard down, she could hurt you too, she could kill you.

"You were really okay with your friend hurting you like that?"

Ryoko nods, taking her seat... just a bit far from where Sollux was. It wasn't polite to sit that close to begin with, so it'd be better to just keep a distance for now so that it's comfortable. Well... as comfortable as it could be.

Her arm ached in her mind, though there was no real pain. It didn't hurt, being attacked, but...

"Me hurting her... knowing that I did that hurts more than anything Aisaka-san could've done to me." She sighs, just about mimicking Sollux's actions, knees close to her.

"She... she seemed hurt too. Not just from me cutting her arm, but that I took care of her and treated her as a best friend, and turned around and attacked her. She only hit me twice-- but I didn't think she'd ever forgive me, even if I let her hit me a thousand times."

It was worse, of course. Taiga blamed herself, and was even convinced that Ryoko went to her house, not to apologize but to reprimand her for hitting her back. In the end...

"It didn't make either of us feel better. All I did was make Aisaka-san feel worse."

"Of course it did." Only a monster could feel better after hurting their own friend. Now they both shared the same guilt, that wasn't any kind of solution. Taiga should have known that wouldn't have helped. Likewise Ryoko should have known that wouldn't have helped too.

"Have you guys... Talked about it?

"Y...Yeah. We're over it now."

At least, she thinks she is. Ryoko, for all she knows... might have made things worse recently and reopened an old wound, so to speak.

"It just felt like the right thing to do at the time. Otherwise... otherwise, I was sure Aisaka-san would hate me. She'd hate me just as much as Sakura-san does."

His gaze darkens as she mentions Kyouko's name. He doesn't hate her as much after everything that's happened. Compared to everything else, his death at her hands even seemed merciful now. Still, he doesn't like her and hearing her name makes him scowl.

"Who cares what she thinks?"

With a sigh, she rests back against the couch, head craned against the back.

"Yeah, you're right."

Not that she didn't feel bothered by it. By what she said at the end. She could hear it just as she went to close the mirror... 'Don't like having your hypocrisy pointed out to you, Asakura?' In the end, they stole her information, and she was the one in the right.

For as much as she didn't want to care about what she thought, that opinion still bothered the hell out of her.

"...when did everything get so terrible? It's been bad... but it's never been this bad."

Edited 2016-09-02 20:41 (UTC)

He doesn't move or answer for a moment when she says that. Her words make him look back on the week, on things he wishes he didn't remember. He knew the exact moment things went from bad to worse even though he wishes he didn't. He hides his face in his knees trying not to get swept up in the memories.The worst part was that he thought it was going to be better here, or if not better, at least not worse.

"I think I'm going insane."

"Mm."

Of course, Sollux had the worst of it, from what she can tell. Whatever happened between him and that girl had to have been really dire, even if she didn't kill him. It was bad enough that it kept him feeling really upset, and in the end... triggered a Nightmare. It had to be bad. Even now, as she gazes at him, he seems beside himself.

"I think we're all feeling like that. But... even if you do, I'll try to keep you from going completely insane. Just... do the same for me, alright?"

He wants to say "yes," that he'll look out for her, but he knew the truth was that he couldn't. He was a failure. Someone like him couldn't be of any use to someone like Ryoko. Even now he was only surviving because of Madoka's strength. He was leaning on her for support, more than a moirail should. He was taking, without giving anything back. He felt awful about it, but still that was all he could really do. He had to try to survive, get by despite what his brain was telling. Even though he'd said "going insane" earlier, Sollux was pretty sure he was already there. He doesn't even understand why Ryoko would ask him to do that. He wasn't strong and he wasn't smart. He didn't have anything.

"...I can't even go outside by myself. How could I possibly help you?"

"Maybe you can pull me out of it."

That's how it had to be, right? As much as she didn't want to say that, if she was on a rampage, someone would have to be able to take her out... and she had to trust someone to do it, and hopefully not... not go too far.

"Time heals all wounds... it'll be scary for a while, but given enough time, you'll be able to help everyone. And... I definitely want your help."

He turns his head, looking at her. She wanted his help. She believed he could get better. As stupid as it feels, he's so grateful to hear those words. It was nice to have someone believe in you, even if you couldn't believe in yourself.

"I'll try. I'll do whatever it takes. I don't want to let anything happen to anyone here."

It's the kind of thing he would normally never say aloud, but getting torn down, getting help from so many others, he felt like all his walls had been torn down. He had no choice, but to be honest, to say what he really feels, even if it's embarrassing as hell. He blushes yellow before hiding his face again.

"Don't tell anybody I said that."

That was her true strength. No, she didn't like using her knife on others and she probably would be completely useless in a fight. But as a person, Ryoko never gave less than 100% when she went to help someone else. She believed, deep deep down, that with the right support from her and everyone else in town, Sollux could still regain his confidence. It wasn't impossible.

That was the most optimistic thing he'd said to date, and Ryoko just beams regardless.

"Your secret's safe with me, Sollux. I promise."

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