loveedition | starsand // starnet DM / open post

Oh. It doesn't hurt, it's... yeah, it's a little cold? Um, we should... get going.

[ Ugh, she was doing fine... she just needs to get out of her own head. ]

[... Convincing.

Yuuto adjusts his grip and finds a muscle to massage.]

Then I'll keep you warm. And you can say what's on your mind.

[ ...Yeah. Too obvious, as always. She wants to be better about telling him what's wrong, but in this case...

It felt so hard to even start. ]

Mm. I just... I think I just took on a lot again. My stress has been getting the better of me.

Is that so..?

[He shouldn't, but he smiles just a bit. It's a relief to have her admit to it on her own this time. Yuuto continues to massage her palm as they talk.]

Then let's unload some of that burden, hm? What can I do?

Mmm, you don't have to do anything. It'll pass. I just... I need some time to... I don't know, I guess get out of my head a bit?

Once I'm done with the scarf, I can start back on getting things ready for our holiday party. From there... I guess, refocusing on the New Year?

[...]

Did the talk with Inaba-san hurt you, Ryoko?

[ ...

Damn it. Damn it. ]

I'm sorry. I... it did. I wasn't...

[ She feels anxious even saying anything. ]

...I... I don't think I should keep checking on her going forward. I don't think I can.

[He doesn’t reply immediately. Yuuto knew that Inaba could be difficult, but he didn’t realize that she was hurting Ryoko. Maybe he should have seen the signs… No, he definitely should have.

Slowly he shakes his head and offers a soft smile again. It’s subtle, but he moves his hands to her shoulders so as to silently offer a hug.]

Mm. Thank you… for looking after my best friend. ‘Ryoko’ is very precious to me. If anything happened to her, I don’t know what I’d do.

I think she should do what’s best for her too. I love you.

Please--

[ She... she takes a step back. Instead, holding onto her own arms. Staring down at them, in the new coat he gave her. It was a present, they were friends, and he wasn't mad at her.

Why the hell wasn't he mad at her?! ]

I'm frustrated. I know she doesn't want to be alone, I know she's hurting so bad, but... but, I can't do anything. I can't talk to her like that. I just... I can't do it.

[ Her stomach's churning a bit. ]

[At first, her reaction startles him. It takes him a second to register where her emotions were going. Even then, he won't be able to understand unless she explains more.

He listens to her quietly, not moving any closer. ]

I know. She has to meet us halfway... and you've already done so much, Ryoko.

I'm sorry that you got hurt.

[ That she got hurt. She... really can't understand this. Why is she being apologized to? ]

You don't... you don't have to be. She didn't do anything to me. If either of us are hurt, it's because of me. It's because of the things I've said, and what I've done. And I suppose, what I still haven't done.

I'm not apologizing for Inaba-san. If she did hurt you, then she can answer for that herself. [He quickly retreats from the scolding tone.]

I don't understand, so I can't say very much... But Ryoko, it's okay to admit if you're hurting. Even if no one is to blame. Pain is pain.

[ It's okay to admit it. Despite the reason why she can't do it. As much as she hates that she did that. That she said any of it. ]

She... doesn't want to be special to anyone. She doesn't want anyone to celebrate things like her birthday and Christmas with her. She doesn't want to feel jealous because of any couples, doesn't want to feel like she's important in any way. She thinks she's a terrible person.

I can't talk to her, Yuuto. If I kept doing it, I'd just keep thinking, I'm talking to myself. I'd go right back to hating myself the more I do it.

I told her I don't want anyone to feel like a replacement... Inaba-san doesn't deserve to be yelled at because of who I am. She doesn't.

Ryoko...

[He can see that she's doing her best to improve just by talking to him, so he doesn't scold her just yet... But Yuuto does wonder if Ryoko realizes that she's already spiraling. Beginning to fret, he takes a half-step forward before holding himself back.]

Hey. Don't worry about Inaba-san right now, you're... [He doesn't know what to say. Just watching her hurt isn't an option either. And he knows how painful it is to hate yourself. Isn't he the same way? Isn't he struggling not to spiral into misery right now, because he's realizing just how much he hurt Ryoko with his cowardly request?

Though he doesn't want to, Yuuto begins to tremble from worry.]

You're right, she doesn't. But you don't deserve to hurt like this either.

I know. I know. But...

[ She takes a breath. She wants to tell him that she does, that she'd rather take that pain herself than inflict it on anyone else. All she can think is... try as she might. She can't be selfish. She doesn't want to be selfish. ]

I can't... I can't be like this right now. I can't get angry, I can't afford to feel bad... If I crumble like this... Aisaka-san, her party... I have to be stronger than this...!

All this did is remind me of how weak I actually still am. I can't even help someone I want to be friends with.

[screw it. nsfw warning apparently-

Yuuto has had enough of people being sad. He gently grabs his cheeks to steady her face and meets her eyes. And for once in his life, he's glaring at somebody.]

No. That's exactly why you have to be like this. Right now.

Be angry! Feel bad, crumble, be weak! If you don't, then you'll carry it home to Aisaka-san and carry it to the party. Strong or weak, happy or sad-- You're Ryoko. You're worth being worried about. Be worrisome if you need to. Let me worry!

[ She's caught completely off guard. Ryoko freezes up, eyes widened at his outburst, feeling like she's shrinking. She wants to move her face, wants to close her eyes but she feels like she has to meet his gaze. Those already dangerous eyes, and they're angry.

Has... she ever seen Yuuto angry before? Has anyone?

Even so, her breath gets caught in her throat. It was a reminder, she'd been the person to tell the other that it was okay to feel something. It was okay to cry, it was okay to be angry. At the same time, as always, she was the one who had to be reminded.

Take care of yourself right now, Ryoko Asakura. ]

Yuuto--

[ She's quivering, terrified. ]

Isn't... isn't it... wouldn't you get tired of worrying about me?

[ Wouldn't you get sick of her? ]

Of course not!

[He only moves his hands to her shoulders, but otherwise won’t release her. Yuuto is usually conflict avoidant and shy, but now he glared boldly and doesn’t look away.]

I want to be with you for a long time. I want to live in this world with you and get old and have lives here, together!

But I can’t do that if you fall apart. We can’t make happy memories if you’re in pain.

So cry! Yell! Punch me if you have to, whatever it takes… But don’t tear yourself apart anymore! I don’t want to lose you to yourself, Ryoko! You’re my best friend and I love you so much!

[ Ryoko's face grows flushed and she finally starts to let herself cry. She lets her tears go. Words immediately spring to mind-- ]

I don't-- [ Deserve this. Deserve your friendship.

...that's. Exactly what she read earlier. She felt like she was going to shrivel up and disappear, or that her gem would crack and she'd cause the calamity that she'd been so good at avoiding... but she doesn't. She just reaches forward and tightly grips her arms around Yuuto's body, burying her face in his shoulder.

She had to keep it together. She had to stay strong for Taiga to be happy. Moments of weakness only caused others to hurt more... but right now, she hates this feeling. She doesn't want to hurt.

She finally. Quietly, gets her sentence out. ]

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore... I don't want to turn...

[ She sobs, gripping on as tight as she can. ]

I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

[He holds her back just as tightly. Perhaps even a smidge more when he hears her worry about 'turning.' He'd nearly forgotten that Ryoko had that to worry about, on top of everything else. Yuuto can feel a pathetic trembling in his arms, because now he's holding her with the desperate wish that he won't lose her.]

I don't give a damn about anyone but you right now. [It's a selfish whisper, one that he knows won't help. But if he's asking Ryoko to be honest, then he has to return the feeling.

Gradually, he moves an arm to rub her back.]

I'm not going anywhere. There's nothing you can do to chase me away.

Cry all that you want.

[ And, well. She does. His words hit hard, she can feel herself crumbling around him, and she holds on for dear life. She really, really doesn't want to turn, and doesn't want to cause any more problems.

It takes a moment, but. Eventually. ]

...cold.

[ They. Are in the snow. ]

[Yuuto’s grip doesn’t waver. He holds her tight while she cries, praying the entire time that Ryoko can be okay. He’s so scared. He’s terrified of going to sleep and leaving her, because now that she mentioned ‘turning’ he’s aware that she could be gone when he wakes up. Yuuto was so selfish and childish in asking Ryoko to look out for Inaba… He should have been brave and reached out himself. He should have realized that he only said ‘goodbye’ because he was a coward, who couldn’t handle the pain of being rejected.

He’s so stupid and Ryoko is paying for it.]

… hm?

[Oh. Right. Snow.

Yuuto nods over her shoulder.]

Yeah. It is… You’re warm, though.

[She’s always been so warm and kind. He’s always been taking that from her, even when he lies to himself and pretends that he’s useful to her. Yuuto has been making Ryoko so cold.

He offers to break the hug if she’s ready.]

… I’ll visit her myself. It’s not your job to convey my feelings, Ryoko. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to notice.

Honestly...

[ Always with comments like that. But who is she to talk, putting worrisome thoughts in others' heads? When she tried to help anyone she could, it did turn out pretty poorly. But that didn't mean she couldn't try.

She shakes her head. ]

It's fine. I mean... it's a good idea to. I just... I need time. I said some rotten things, and I want to apologize for them. Even if it's the last time I get to speak to her.

[ ....... ]

And... I don't know. Even if she wants to spend the day alone, I want to at least send her a cake or something. Maybe a card. I don't know.

[ Even when she's still technically mad, she... still doesn't want Inaba to feel left out and unhappy. It's the least she could do. ]

[His laugh is sad as he pulls back to look her in the face. Tears don’t really suit her, especially when the air is so cold.]

You’re doing it again. You need to focus on you. It’s alright. We can figure it out bit by bit… Starting with you. Please?

[Otherwise Ryoko is going to drown herself with worries. She can’t lie and say that she doesn’t have them after almost melting her eyes away with tears.

Dealing with Inaba should stick to him. He’s the one who started this. Owes it to Ryoko and Inaba now to actually visit.]

Let’s move inside, before your eyes freeze shut. How do you feel?

[ Right. Focus. Focus... on her. On what she wants, on carving out her own happiness. She decides to head in, trying to regain some brain cells of her own.

What, more than anything, does she want right now?

...of course, that was the first thing to come to mind. ]

I won't lie and say I feel fine... but, it's a little better?

[ Okay. She'll let Yuuto focus on Inaba. Ryoko has no idea of how much she actually read of what she wrote, but she'll retain her trust in Yuuto.

...which... leads her to ask. ]

Um... about spending time together. When we do that, do you mind um... helping me shop? There's something I'm looking for.

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